flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 28, 2005

Keepin Up With The Times

So, we got the coolest gift from John’s parents. It’s an Atomic Clock (which puts the Blondie song “Atomic” in my head…).

You pick your time zone. You put in the battery. You hang the clock.

Within 24 hours, it’s set. It even handles that daylight savings crap.

Only strangeness? It’s analog. It checks itself every few hours or something. When it sees that it’s off by some amount of time, the arms start swinging like a compass near a CAT scanner. It’s mighty strange to watch.

I’m sure this will completely freak my mother out when she comes to stay. And then she won’t trust the clock. Oh well, nothing’s perfect.



December 22, 2005

Hilarity Ensues

If you haven’t, you should go read Tim Blair. He is the funniest damn blogger out there, I swear.

Some of the latest hilarity? We’ve got
concern for polar bears.

You should really go visit. Your funny bone will thank you.



December 20, 2005

MacGyver Arrested!!

John was watching some newsy network as I stretched out this morning. I saw on the crawl line that some dude got arrested for possessing chemicals which could be used to make a bomb. They cited two of the more dangerous components the dude had: acetone and citric acid.

Oh My God!

It’s an Orange Juice & Nail Polish Remover Bomb!!!

Tell me he had duct tape and a few paper clips, and that cinches it.


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Of Bolivian Presidents and Cowboys

So Bolivians elected themselves a new president. His sole platform? “I hate the USA.”

I got to thinking, this is a very common feeling among the world. They hate us. We can’t point out where they are on a map.

Kinda reminds me of football fans. Everyone hates the Cowboys. Here in Iggles territory, they’re considered a “chief rivalry.” Yet, the Cowboys fans couldn’t give a rat’s posterior about the Eagles.

It’s that shining example of superiority of mettle that seems to rub envious people the wrong way. Everyone hates the US because we had a long stretch of being powerful; we’ll do whatever it takes to stay that way; and we don’t really care what the banana republics of the world think about us. It’s the same way with the Cowboys.

God Bless America’s Team.


(for those who don’t know me, I hate football, and this post was mostly tongue in cheek… though it does have a very small grain of truth to it. I just like to ruffle feathers. Tee hee.)


Thank You, Blog Explosion

So, in an ever-growing need for arguments, John takes to surfing Blog Explosion. He does it a lot, apparently. They awarded $50 to our paypal account just because…

But he didn’t have anything he wanted to buy. So he said to me, “can you use this?”

“Why, of course, I’ll find a use for it, dear. Anything for you.”

I found out that iTunes accepts paypal… ROCK ON!


December 19, 2005

Rorschach Flooring

Sitting here while 40 Christmas newsletters printed out on "highest" quality, I noticed something strange about our hardwood floor.

Someone in the past etched the symbol Pi in our floor.

It may be a coincidence that it's on the floor right between the diningroom and the kitchen. But it's definitely Pi.

pretty cool!

(no, I'm not a geek)

December 17, 2005

Lessons in Patience

So, I did end up taking Sean to the doctors for his 5 year old shots. Do you believe that John wouldn't do it because it would be too hard on Sean? It was, I must say, a bad experience. But every shot was accompanied by me saying "we're going to see a movie about a Lion. A movie. We're going to a movie!"

By the third shot (the DPT one, that one really stings!), he started to cry. But just for a minute. Then, we went to the movies.

I think I'll remember this movie experience for a long time. First of all, he wanted to sit in my lap. Mostly because stadium seating is quite inconvenient for 5 year olds who weigh 44 pounds (the seat kept going up on him). But to me, it was probably one of the last times I'll get to hold my baby for a long period. He's rapidly approaching the "cool" phase. God help me.

Second, he was absolutely enthralled. He loved every moment of it, and came out saying that he was Peter, the good king, and KC, this girl he feuds with at school, was the white witch.

This was a week ago. He still brings it up almost every day. And he wants to watch it on DVD (he gets confused when I say on "video", child of the aughts that he is.) I keep telling him - it's not on video yet. And he keeps saying, well just go buy it!

Patience, my boy, patience. One of the lessons NOT taught in Narnia!


December 13, 2005

Late Night Laughter

John and I were discussing an event of some humor from the Hag Household the other night. Long Story Short: John had torn his undies and hadn’t noticed until he laid down for bed and felt a draft.

Now, we’re discussing this, and he says:
“I can’t believe my junk had been hanging out all day! All day! And I didn’t know it!”

I burst into laughter. “Your junk?”


“Couldn’t you use another term? Like wedding tackle? Or naughty bits?”

“Nah, they’re too British. Junk is American.”

He then went on to list other euphemisms that are American. And I gotta tell you, we’re one crass bunch. But crass or not, the whole conversation had me in tears… Nice to know my humor never graduated from third grade, isn’t it?!


December 09, 2005

Snow Day!!

I predict that there will be a snowstorm in the philadelphia area on the following days:
16 December
19 December

I have taken 2 vacation days so far this month, and gotten snow on both of them. Schools are even closed today. (Why am I taking vacay, you ask? Well, Spaceley's has been bought. Next year, I'll be working for Cogswell's. And part of the package is that we aren't allowed to carry as many vacation days. So, use it or lose it.)

Anyway, my day that was supposed to be, doctor for Sean (5 year checkup), Mickey D's for lunch, and Narnia for afternoon entertainment has become slush shoveling and blogging.

It's still better than work!!


A Very Birdwoman Christmas

The lights, the feel of the air, the sounds – no matter how much commercial America tries to ruin it, there’s still something very special about the Christmas season.

For me, it’s a time of contemplation – the Thanksgiving season is more what it should be called. It’s that time, at night, just before you go to sleep, when the house is quiet and warm, and the bed is comfortable, and the dog is snoozing next to the kids… this is a time to realize what you have and be thankful for it.

One of the moods I go through at this time of year is a classical music mood. I want to listen to choral music, good choral music, Christmas choral music. I got this addiction through high school and college, singing in choirs like that of
Saint Mark’s Church under Wesley Parrot (and if you ever find this page, Wesley, I hope you’re doing well wherever you are…) and the Princeton Singers under John Bertalot.

I have the strangest cd’s… I realized this when I figured out that my kids don’t know the basic Christmas tunes, but they’ve heard the below any number of times:

Best Christmas Pieces XM Classical Christmas Doesn’t Play
(At least, that I’ve heard.)
The Christmas Cantata – Pinkham
Riu Riu Chiu – old Spanish carol
Fantasia on Christmas Carols – Vaughan Williams
Ceremony of Carols – Britten
Four Christmas Motets – Puolenc

I think I’m gonna grab my fave recordings of these and make my own cd… XM Classical is a good stab at the kind of Christmas music I love, but ends up being a little too New Age for me.

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

(*)> *tweet*

December 07, 2005


OK, since I went off on DELL the Epitome of Evil Customer Service, I think it’s time to give props to the best company out there right now.

In September, some of my 2 readers might remember, I purchased an ipod shuffle (and that name always puts Curly Shuffle in my head, dammit).


I use my little shuffle all the time when I jog. She’s my faithful companion. Then, the day before Thanksgiving, I threw my running pants in the wash. Little ipod was in the pockets. My scream on transferring the laundry to the dryer and seeing the ipod carcass in the washer reverberated through Coopertown.

I waited til she dried out, plugged her into my computer, and she registered. Birdpod was there with all her fine tunes.

But she wouldn’t recharge.

Monday, I finally got some time to go to the Apple store in King of Prussia. I signed up with a genius (their technical staff). Told him she wouldn’t charge. He plugged her in, gave her the old 1-2, and said, “you’re right.”

He did not ask if I had done anything. I did not volunteer. (I'm not THAT stupid.)

I asked how much I had to pay for a replacement, hoping I would get a price break.

He gave me a replacement for free.

For the more expensive products, they seem to have a replacement fee, but it’s negligible. (another girl was trying to get her ipod fixed – she had one of those mongo 60G ones – and they offered her a new replacement for something like $40.)

And they fix Mac computers there, too. You take it in, they give you tech support.

Next computer I buy will be an Apple.


Holiday Cheer Revisited

So the Spaceleys Holiday Bash went down without a hitch last week. No one got too drunk and told people off, like they did last year.

Much to the chagrin of my boss, I did not go. He approached me the day of the party and asked why I wasn’t going. I said I didn’t like parties. He said it wasn’t a good message to send to my team. WHateveRrrrr…

I find out the next day that I won Most Ironic award. Well, actually, I won the “Number One Team Player” award… number one team player who refuses to participate in the team party.



December 01, 2005

My Little Thespians

I’m thinking that our Sunday School is hurtin’ for kids.

Stinky and The Moth both scored roles in the Christmas Pageant.

Tim is a donkey – since he’s basically only intelligible to those who speak Tim-ese, that’s probably a good thing.

Sean, however, is one of the three kings. His line (piece, for those from Harvey County) is: “Hail, King of Kings. I offer you this gift of gold.”

So, we’re practicing the line. I say the line previous to it, and he spouts out: “Hail King of Kings! Give me the Gold!”


Well, at least they won’t ask us to have our kids in anything anymore. Of course, I would have thought, after Tim spilled the baptismal water everywhere three weeks ago, that we would already be familia-non-grata. Hence, my opening theorem…