flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

October 29, 2016

She's Not Dead Yet

So, this is my blog. I haven't been here in a while. Mostly, my thoughts are too short and scattered to do an entire blog post. Sadly, I'm more a facebook blurb kinda girl these days.

But I have a story! One I can share! One too long for facebook! One I want to haunt my child with in years to come!

The Moth, the Moth. I love my kid. He's cool and clever and 13. He smells bad but won't shower unless I nag. He loves to burp, fart, and poo, and make sure you know he's doing those things. He always puts things in the most convenient place for him at the time. He's a boy. He's also a pig.

Several years ago, my husband instituted an extra homework policy for the boys. Every week, he assigns additional math, grammar, and writing for them through an online application. In order for them to complete this, he purchased (originally) a chromebook for them to share. Being spoiled first-world kids, they, of course, could not share nicely. Cue: fights. Smack-down, apocalyptic fights.

Enter chromebook 2. Stinky, being the older and more responsible boy (not that it's hard to be more responsible than Moth, and Stinks can't claim credit for the age), got the new chromebook.

Now, you might think this would be a post about internets abuse. Not if you know Mr. Birdwoman. This man has a key-lock on the television. The sole television we have in the house. He has a firewall on the internet so that he can track (and lock down) every site the boyos go to that is not Wikipedia, research, or IXL (the learning software). Every time they find something new, he locks it down. Of course, he proudly announced to me when both of the boys started searching out pictures of boobies.


So, back to the Chromebook Saga. Within a few weeks of Moth Abuse, the chromebook started looking worse for wear. See, he would drag it around by the screen. He would leave it on the arm of a chair, bravely challenging the laws of gravity. Often losing to the laws of gravity.

I wish we had taken a picture. Really I do. But I was so embarrassed / angry at the time. Within six months, the chromebook was held together with duct tape. The screen was no longer attached, but by some miracle was still functioning. It looked like something out of the Beverly Hillbillies.

For more than a year, frankenbook trudged along, getting a few new scars along the way. Tim saved money doing chores around the house. Finally, the little chromebook that could couldn't anymore.

Tim ordered a new chromebook and worked diligently (!) doing dishes, mowing yards, picking up dog doo, etc until he had it paid off. Yes!

It is about a year later.

Through this year, chromebook II, wrath of chromebook, could be found in all the wrong places: on the seat of the couch. On the floor next to Moth's bed. But it stayed intact! It looked fine!

About five months ago, the boys found out two of their favorite games were being released to the new game system. They saved money and pre-ordered. The first came out last Friday; the second yesterday. Moth was going to have all the video game time last weekend as Stinks was out camping with the scouts. So, it was all going swimmingly. He just needed to get the codes from the email Daddy sent to him.

I'm sitting at the table, doing some nonsense, and Moth hesitantly approaches me. "Mom... my computer doesn't work."

The screen has a fatal injury. You can't see it from the outside, but the machine has been toasted.

And when Dad found out? Hell Toupee!

So now, Moth is doing all the dishes and laundry and no video games for 3 weeks. (this might not seem like much, but remember, two new games that he has been waiting for over 5 months, and paid quite a bit of cash for!) Every time he does a MothLikeThing - not making his bed, leaving his socks in the middle of the floor, etc - he gets a strike. 3 strikes = 1 more day sans Battlefield and Skyrim. He had to walk to the library every night to do his extra homework this week. He will now have use of Dad's old chromebook only at the kitchen table for the next 3 months, until he pays off a new chromebook. And then, he'll get dad's old chromebook. He'll be able to take it back to his room then, but if it is seen anywhere but on a desk or table, he will be back at the kitchen table for 3 months.

The saddest part is that he will no longer be able to find websites with boobies for Dad to check out before he locks them down.

First world problems.



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