flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 24, 2013

The lovely sounds of christmas

Christmas has changed in the Rogers house... But not really. The boys are watching a movie - Christmas Vacation instead of Barney's Christmas. Annoying still, but in a whole new way.

What was it like back in 2006, you ask? Well... ask and ye shall receive... unfortunately, it's sans my macabre font choice of that year. Mood music, you know.

The Rogers Chronicles – 2006!

Well, once again its Christmas season again at the Rogers' Household. Both kids are complaining about the monotonous drone of the Christmas music, the sappy sentimental movies, and, most importantly, the insipid advertisements bursting from the TV in the middle of their shows. They don't understand why TiVO doesn't do all the work for them. Why, in our day, we had to wait for the commercials to end, or maybe GET UP and walk ALL THE WAY across the living room to change the channel. Kids today are just so spoiled!

But, strangely enough, one thing the Rogers Sprogs do like about the Christmas season is church, especially Sunday school. Perhaps it's because the teachers give them all sorts of cool snacks to shut them up keep the cherubs quiet while passing on the old, old stories. Whatever the reason, it's a full hour for the Rogers "adults" to be kid-free. WooHoo!

Most of the time, one can find the Rogers "adults" hiding in one manner or another from their tots. John goes into the kitchen and hides. And cooks, contributing significantly to spousal obesity. Betsy may never forgive him for using her and the kids as the sole test group for his experiments.

Since the kitchen is John's domain, he has sullied it to no end. Although the kitchen was updated in 1998 (something about the oven exploding every time it got to 250 degrees scared even John and Betsy), it decided to commit hari kari in 2006. Dishwashers melted, countertops warped, and sinks cracked. In all, it was a great excuse to spend what little savings the family had accumulated. John could have had a counter made of Corian - an interesting product made from that great global-warming resource, petroleum - but he preferred granite: Earth-flesh ripped from the planet's screeching hide by massive pollution-belching machines manned by Third World prison laborers. The kitchen gives us a warm and cuddly feeling now. And yes, Mother Gaia is quite happy with the Rogers clan.

Betsy, having no real hobbies, and certainly none that would prove to have a positive effect on her family, prefers to hide reading trashy romances, doing Sudoku, or, rarely, her homework. Since she's spending all the family's expendable income going back to school, she naturally figures she should put as little effort into passing her coursework as possible.

As for the monsters, well, they're your average, every day, run-of-the-mill hellions. Updates (first the heir, then the spare):

Sean has started kindergarten and is quite popular there. We're sure it's temporary: geek genes are just too strong. He is quite good at talking authoritatively - and at length - about subjects which he does not really understand (like his mom). He also has an affinity for climbing trees and scaring unsuspecting passers-by. Sean likes the normal stuff for a five-year-old: morbid tales of death, expired animals, decaying flesh, excavated relics and mass destruction. He draws pictures of volcanic explosions drowning people in flaming ash.  The therapists say that's normal. Typical stuff, really. For Christmas, he had two main requests: a life-size skeleton and a metal detector. Dad has dreams of throwing nickels in the front yard and telling Sean to look for treasure. Should make for a nice February.

Timmy doesn't share his brother's Wednesday Addams-like affection for all things dead and buried. Timmy's interests are wide ranging; he likes anything, really, as long as it is a car or a train. The differences between the boys are most apparent in the mornings: Sean rages against the dying of the night, while Timmy (left arm-a-pumpin') marches into the bright new day. With his gravelly voice, he constantly pleads, "Can I get up?!" until his parents relent and un-strap him from his bed.  John and Betsy cannot figure out if his gravelly voice is natural or a by-product of the constant colds he suffers. Whatever the source, his voice is quite charming, in a Fred Sanford kind of way. 

Overall it's been a great year. Betsy has failed in her objective of proving absolutely incompetent, so she's still employed. John was recently promoted from Blockhead II to Cabbagehead I – which is nice because Cabbageheads get their own chairs! Both parents excel at taunting their children in the never-ending quest of "toughening them up" and "taking their goats." John enjoys confusing the kids by saying things like "when I was your age I was ten." Betsy simply sings at them at all hours of the day, thus continuing her own mother's patented method of child-torture. She hasn't resorted to putting a box of clothes on Sean's feet yet, but she looks forward to the day with glee.


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