flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 18, 2013

Christmas Memories

Well, due to popular (ha) demand, we're working on a chronicles of the year. But, before I post that (and to give me some padding time), I thought I'd put you in the way back machine! The next few days, I'll post the chronicles from years past... with no further ado...

The Rogers Chronicles


The Rogers Chronicles is a fast-paced, informative and easy to cut-and-paste way for Betsy, John, Sean, Scout, and Titus to share their year and its events with all of our friends and loved ones.

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,

The year 2000 was certainly an eventful year in our household, with many blessings and events to report. Many of the events certainly did not turn out as we had wished. But we continue to view each unfortunate occurrence as a challenge that must be overcome. And, if in the end, we find that surmounting these obstacles has not exactly made us stronger, we can at least be happy that they did not kill us.
Isn't He Cute?
Despite warnings from worried neighbors, frightened relatives, and concerned priests, we have managed to reproduce. The name of the unfortunate infant is Sean Harvey Rogers (see picture at left).  The baby is highly skilled at making noises, messes and smells. Very impressive, say the proud parents, but this kid still has plenty to learn.

But, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here…

The year started out with a bang as we purchased a brand new Subaru Outback in January. We succeeded in dirtying it up so that it no longer looked new by about March.  John under-calculated the payments by about a factor of ten, so we are not sure how we will make them. We are cutting back, but even with a cupboard full of Ramen Noodles, we are keeping our eyes peeled for the repo-man! :)

The Mazda continues to operate somehow despite the fact that pieces keep falling off of it. John believes that they must not have been that important if the car can function without them. He continues to drive recklessly, verbally abusing other drivers, heaping particular scorn on those with Jersey plates.

John arranged a trip to the Caribbean as a way of spending money that we plan to earn in the future. He found a “great deal” on a travel package to scenic Haiti. He found out that the tickets were non-refundable when Betsy refused to go, so he insisted on going alone. He returned with a really bad case of worms and sunburn that, for a time, mimicked a dangerous tropical rash. In addition, he practically lived in the bathroom for a week! :)

(paragraph about Betsy's employment has been removed, due to the pending litigation... errr... sensitive nature of the insults included. Jeez. Nobody has a sense of humor anymore!)

There were no major repair jobs on the house in 2000. But John’s incompetence in doing minor repairs, with band-aids and patch jobs, insures that sometime in the future the Rogers’ household will be socked with mammoth, unpayable bills and will be forced further into debt. A foul odor began to circulate around the house in April, and John thought that the cause was the dampness in the basement.  He charged $300 against future earnings to replace a perfectly working dehumidifier with another perfectly working dehumidifier.  It didn’t work. He would have bought a third dehumidifier if Betsy had not found a thoroughly rotten bag of onions in the cupboard behind the Ramen. The odor left, and the normal Rogers’ house old-sock smell returned.

We enjoyed a visit from Becky in July, and we (unintentionally) took her to a museum filled with mummified and deformed babies. Chris came the following month, and we took him to a rapidly decaying prison. We are combing Philadelphia, in search of more fun things to see, and we promise many more surprises for the next visitor!

Not a whole lot else happened to the Rogers family in the last year of the millennium, and we’re sure we’ll get even more boring now that we’re parents. The Rogers Chronicles Y2K+1 promises to be riveting reading.


Betsy, John, Sean, Titus and Scout


Blogger junewilliams7 said...

Prison and mummified babies.... you are wonderful hosts!

I too would have refused to go to Haiti. Brrrr...

December 20, 2013 3:18 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Yeah, come on out to Philly. I show you REAL time. Not good time. Real one. :)

He went to Haiti because a friend was volunteering down there. He used to be in the Peace Corps, you know. He likes that "roughing it" crapola.

December 20, 2013 5:43 AM  

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