flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 19, 2013

Christmas Rewind Part Deux

Well, Sherman, time once again for the wayback machine!

The Rogers Chronicles
December 2001
The Rogers Chronicles is a fast-paced, informative and easy to cut-and-paste way for Betsy, John, Sean, Scout, and Titus to share their year and its events with all of our friends and loved ones (think of it as a visit from us without the hassle of having to clean up all the dishes we leave behind).

Dear Friends and Loved Ones:

The highlights of 2001. Hmm. Did anything happen this year in the House of Rogers? 226 Lee Circle was largely in stasis this year, so you’d be best off skipping this whole insert.  Unless you want to make yourself feel better by looking at our sorry lives. Our existence has become defined by one, relatively new household member.

He cries a lot.

We take him places to try to cheer him up. This, for example, is when he visits the dogs! As we had hoped, Sean has grown fond of the dogs. He dissolves into giggles whenever he sees them run up the stairs.

He grows so excited that we soon have to change his diaper. Changing his diaper makes him cry again. That’s the time for a handoff to the other parent. And so the cycle turns.

And sometimes you have to feed him. Most of the actual dinner is occupied by stare-downs over teaspoons of saltless, flavorless cardboard paper pulp masquerading as a "Hearty Chicken Dinner." He doesn't seem to like baby food.

We can't figure out why.

As is common these days, we seek to blame biology for Sean’s behavioral quirks: he suffers from the dreaded PGS (Profuse Goofiness Syndrome) and Excessive Ambulatory Disorder. Nothing in the house is safe. On top of all this, he seems to have inherited all of his parent’s best personality traits. He is curious, and dangerously so, like John. And he is stubborn, mean, and easily frustrated, like Betsy. The mixture promises to be interesting in the future, when he can actually express his opinions.

We took Sean to the World Trade Center site and took his picture in front of the rubble wearing a shirt showing an American eagle sharpening its claws. This was thought to be tacky by one parent. We also went to Atlantic City. This was thought to be tacky both parents: it took us two weeks to get the NJ smell out of our car. It’s sad that SHR’s earliest memories of the ocean will be tarnished: all he’ll remember are pale, overweight, hairy people from Hoboken chain-smoking and yelling at their kids, dead fish and dark blue, freezing cold water. But hey, we got to gamble. HOO-ey! J

After nearly four years of careful preparation, John has finally managed to brew a beer that taste like mixture of weak lemonade and coal tar. Even Titus is scared of it.

With haircuts costing the Rogers household a staggering $300 a year and dog grooming (dog grooming!) costing $60 per dog per year, John decided to do something about it. He bought a trimmer. John’s clippers were to be “the best $29.95 we ever spent,” a bonanza of household savings. But the difference between their potential, and John’s ability to deliver it was very large. Pity poor Titus, the dog who is loyal to a fault. Titus’ once flowing manes were reduced to choppy tufts of hair. He was so embarrassed he hid the doghouse for a week. Both dogs were taken to the groomer the next week. The groomer charged double to do Titus – hazard pay – after several calls to be sure the poor hound didn’t have the mange.

Around March, Betsy realized that she wouldn’t be spending nearly enough of the family resources this year, so she decided to pour money into the house… It still looks as though a small tornado went through the place, but we have noticeably less savings. The major project of the year was a new bathroom, as John’s parents can attest. Or so they think. We really just stayed in their house for the better part of a month to avoid raising our own electric bill.

Once again, 2001 was year of few visits around the Rogers’ household. No one ever calls or writes!  But neither do we, so let’s just call it even. Ah, and who knows, maybe we’ll come visit you - least then we won’t have to clean up the house.

Love and hugs!

Betsy, John, Sean, Scout and Titus


Blogger junewilliams7 said...

ROFL! I love this old Christmas letter. Ahh, the perspective... way back when you only had one child, and he was non-verbal. I love your writing style, and can easily imagine a modern Lizzy Darcy writing this letter in her first Christmas cards from Pemberley - and what Lady Catherine would say about it. :=)

December 20, 2013 3:14 AM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

The funny thing? It's not all my style. John writes them; I edit. Crazy how alike we are in some ways, where in others??

December 20, 2013 5:41 AM  

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