flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 26, 2013

Do you ever find....

When you're used to having many, many things to do, and suddenly all the pressure is gone, that you get really, really nervous?

Yeah, me neither. I've forgotten to post this today because I was out shopping, reading, or playing Candy Crush (I will beat that level, I swear!!)

So, time warp to 2008? No prob, bob... Here you go! Back to Candy Crush for me!

The Rogers Chronicles – 2008
Because You Asked Us Not To!

This year. Where to start? Sean and Timothy are now ages eight and five, and they still don't have jobs.

John could join them any day.

Betsy has a job no sane person would want. But at least she has job security: just as long as her students have been disarmed and can only threaten her with the sharpness of their wit, she has nothing to fear.

Jurassic Avenger
This year began in January, as years usually do. John was promoted to grand-poobah-grade-two of the Cub Scout den. As a result, he’s taken to spending all sorts of “free time” playing with the kids (read, getting away from his harpy wife.) John and Sean built a car to compete in the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby. They had high hopes for the intimidating Jurassic Avenger, a green dinosaur car with a demonic grin and sometimes-glowing red eyes. 

Unfortunately, the competition sent the Avenger back into prehistory.

Once again, the Rogers were lucky to have Grandma Harvey come and deal with Timothy for the winter. All was going swimmingly until we had a minor flood in the basement. Grandma Harvey was doing pull-ups on the old copper water lines. She should have known better.

Gram also taught Timmy two of his favorite words: "actually" and "nonsense," which he uses endlessly, alternately correcting or criticizing Sean. So it was good to have her here.

Plus, John and Betsy enjoyed the babysitting, freeing them to return to all their favorite culinary establishments. Ah, to be a couple again! People just look at you differently when you have kids. Especially in seedy bars.

John continues his "don't tell a therapist" brand of parenting. His new windbag maxim? "Injustice applied equally is better than justice applied occasionally." No attempt is made to find out which trial-size human is at fault. He is too lazy for that: he just punishes both kids. 
Larry, Moe, and Curly

Even vacations are traumatic. Tim was worried about crabs biting his feet in the water at the beach.  Thoughtful Dad gave him a stick to hit the crabs, telling Tim to wait until they clamped on hard before striking. And while Sean and Dad enjoyed the waves, Tim cowered at the pool with Mommy. It’ll be a story to tell Mothman when he comes of age. He’ll laugh then, John is sure.

Dad couldn't even take them to an amusement park without messing with them. John scared the crap out of them for weeks, telling them he was going  to “broaden their horizons” by taking them to the "Flower and Dance Festival."  They would learn to foxtrot and waltz! He kept this up all the way to the park.

They only stopped crying when they saw the games and rides.  It was a real hoot!

You would have thought John would have learned that dance wasn’t funny a long time ago when, as a camp counselor, he sent his boy campers to dance lessons as punishment. The dance instructor was furious and tried to beat etiquette into John. John, well, he’s proud of saying he’s ten hairs short of being a baboon.

Home life has become so bizarre that Sean often takes long bike rides to get "time to think." Yes, he is riding a bike now; the idea of getting away from home fast appealed to him. He says he likes the "outdoors." Watching abundant TV specials on nature turned Sean into an insufferable eco-scold for a brief time: the boy haughtily criticized the family cars, Mom's indoor lighting fixation, and Dad's backyard car tire fires.  Any un-granola thing caught his eye. One day, early in the summer, Betsy took the boys to the zoo (note: the zoo made her take them back.) "We should just walk everywhere," the boy lectured as they motored home.

Betsy took him up on it. 

A steamy five-mile-walk though the Valley Forge Park in the July sun caused Sean to re-think his passions: he now only favors environmental zealotry when it causes inconvenience to others.

No, he hasn't considered a political career yet, but the boy has promise. 

Not content with the Dragon’s Lair,
The boys make a Fort in their Room
Unlike Sean, Timmy likes cars. Too much. He can always be found in some corner crashing them together. He even provides the cries of the maimed and dying, so everyone can enjoy the carnage (And it sounds disturbingly like "Oh no, Mr. Bill!!!!!!"). He is also really good at getting hurt. His face reads like a timeline of scars and scabs. His major hobby is getting under Sean's skin until his older brother hits him.

So the scars keep coming. 

Timmy is completely baffled about tense: he remembers how tomorrow was, and looks forward to all the fun things he'll be doing yesterday. His parents encourage this, as they think it is funny, and they enjoy laughing at their children.

After a summer of practicing her pedagogic skills on her children (who have stated they want to “go away” next summer), Betsy returned to teaching in our city of Brotherly Love. The general despair of her surroundings suits her personality. Betsy fritters away weekends playing endless games of Minesweeper or Sudoku, pausing only to shout at the kids or upbraid John whenever his self esteem approaches normal. Or perhaps she's working on her "lesson plans," which always look suspiciously like fan fiction from TV shows that were cancelled a decade ago.  As long as she’s not ranting, everyone is happy.

John likes to cook food that kids don't eat and make his kids eat it. Betsy, who will eat anything that doesn’t move, encourages this torture. As a reward for eating, John lets the boys watch "Bizarre Foods" and tells them they should thank their lucky stars they aren't eating banana slugs with a bunch of Samoans. Is it any wonder they hoarded their Halloween candy like squirrels with a long winter coming? Of course, this was after Betsy and John applied the parent tax, so it didn’t last as long as the boys might have wished.

Soon, though, Satan… err… Santa will be sure to bring them more loot to hold them over until Grandma Harvey comes back, and dad is forced to cook normally again. So, here’s to Christmas and all the blessings it brings.

The Rogers family hopes that you are all as blessed as they are and that you have a wunderebar 2009.

The Rogers Posse:
Dir-T-Bird (John)
The Venomous Harridan (Betsy)
Stinky (Sean)
The Moth (Tim)
And Titus, the official Mascot of the Rogers


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