flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

My Photo
Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

December 04, 2014

My Experience At The DMV...

Well, that title should be enough to reel in a few readers.

Sorry, it's been crazy busy this year. School is always busy, but this year, I feel like I live in Office Space. "Yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to ....."fill in the blank with some ridiculous, time-consuming task. Several times.

So, as per usual, I do as much as I can, and do it as well as I can, which is, specifically:  not much, with overwhelming mediocrity. What can I say? Overachiever? Not it!

But I am at school, most days, for about 10-11 hours. And attempting to go to the gym 3-4 times a week in the morning. And still raising (or trying to) two sprogs.

So, something's gonna give. I'm simply too lazy to be this efficient.

I forgot to renew my driver's license.

I was all set to go last Friday, after Turkey day. I totally forgot. As I had done for WEEKS of Saturdays before this. My license expires tomorrow. So, I had to get it done this week.

I left school with the kids on Monday (there's a shocker). Rushed home. Got to the DMV at 4:30. They closed at 4:15. What the heck kind of hours are 10:00-4:15, I ask you???

We had parent-teacher conferences for report cards this week. I took the opportunity to leave 20 minutes early. (One irate parent called me while I was running to catch a train.) So, I get to the DMV.

4:05. One person getting her picture done. Her attendant looks and sounds like Lurch. I was like, oh, man. He was SUPER slow, and I was afraid it would take until 4:15 for him to take her picture. (it did, btw).

But another clerk comes out at 4:10. He looked normal. But my clue should have been his opening line.

"Man, that potty break sure felt Gooooood!" with a big guffaw.

I smiled, trying to keep my face calm. Those pictures are always so great to begin with. I don't need an "oh my gosh you're strange" look on my face.

So, I answer the questions and fill in the organ donor thing and then he asks me to sign the signature box.

He then proceeds to critique my signature.  This doesn't look anything like your old signature. And it wasn't a second or two. He studied it, turned it sideways, upside down. Looks at me a few times like I'm trying to pretend to be me or something.

I laugh nervously/frustratedly and say that I always have a hard time with the computer sign pads, and now that I sign papers all day, my writing's gotten worse.

I do the signature again.

Same thing.

I'm getting super frustrated at this point. I go through the signature dance with him 4 - four - F-O-U-R times, and he still wasn't happy with it. Puts a demerit or some other horse hockey on my record. Then he takes my picture.

I looked a bit like a homicidal maniac. Sadly, my glasses had too much glare, so he wanted to do the picture again.

Reaching down for that one, tiny atom of Zen left in my system, I took off my glasses and attempted to "clear my mind" as Snape might say.

Needless to say, my signature is just slightly more ridiculous than my picture which, sadly, is a good semblance of my everyday visual insanity.

As the card is printing out, he comments on the fact that I'm a teacher. He states that he always hated school except math. And he only does math in his head. He doesn't like calculators. I asked if he could do trig in his head, because I was in one bitch of a mood at this point. He said that he wasn't allowed to take trig. He says he thinks the school discriminated against him. He couldn't be in sports either because they were afraid he would hurt himself. But he's had 24 fractures and none of them hurt. He doesn't even use Novocaine at the dentist. He doesn't feel pain.

He's got a rather maniacal look in his eye as he says this.

At this time, it's a bit after 4:15, and Lurch comes over and joins the conversation about pain. And they're holding my new license hostage, comparing their wound histories.

I know I should have compassion, but THAT WAS THE MOST FRUSTRATING 10 MINUTES OF MY RECENT LIFE. And I teach in the inner city.

And now, here I sit, laughing because that was such a surreal experience, how can you not? So, Lurch and NoPainMan?  Thanks for the birthday laugh. It'll be a story for me to remember, and a reason to find a different DMV in 4 years.



Anonymous BigSis said...

Are you sure you are who you think you are?

December 06, 2014 4:10 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

I'm sure that I'm me... but my signature is not me.

December 06, 2014 8:12 PM  
Blogger junewilliams7 said...

Perhaps these two twits can be memorialized in your next 'Detective Lizzy Bennet' story. They would be perfect as murder victims. XD

December 11, 2014 11:22 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home