flightless hag

A chronicle of the adventures of birdwoman: a lonely, talentless freak who wanders the internet in search of entertainment.

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Location: Philly

I'm a 40-something married white female, survivor of weight watchers, avid reader of pulp. Dogs (not cats), extreme right (handed, not politics), ENTJ, alto, wanna-be knitter.

April 09, 2015

A better way to say goodbye?

Warning: this is not going to be a pretty, funny, or possibly even sane post.

I think I'm losing it. Or maybe it's menopause.

A terrible, terrible thing happened in my community recently. A young man... a boy took his own life.

It started (for me) on facebook. I was asked to re-post a link to a site where folks were looking for this kid. It was right after the only really big snowfall of the season. And I remember thinking, oh gosh, either he's dead in the snow or he's been taken by a pedophile. And I don't know which is worse.

A day or so later, the search page became a "celebration" page, celebrating his life. A life he had ended, apparently, because of an email he got. From a teacher.

He was 13.

I don't know why this has so absolutely devastated me. I remember opening the paper on the way to work that day and seeing that they had found his body. I remembered thinking oh no oh no oh no.

And then I made the mistake of listening to his dad's speech at his memorial service. The boy had not been bullied and had, to all accounts, a blessed life. There were no signs. There was no warning. Just one afternoon he went out for a walk and he never came back again.

I see my own boys - they're his age, and had he not gone to private school might have been in the same class. Could they do something like that?

How does his mother live with this?
How does his father, who spoke with such love and respect, live with this?

I see a boy walking down a path to the woods and I think of that kid, walking alone, plotting his own demise.

I think of him lying in that snow. All alone. For days.

And I don't know why, but this has brought me to tears just so many times. I didn't even know that kid. But the thought of it just slays me. I want to go find him that afternoon. I want to save him.

I think it's because I'm getting old. Or maybe it's because I see my boys and know it could so easily be one of them. Or maybe it's because of some similar stuff that's happened with some of my students this year. All I know is, just yesterday, this song came on my ipod, and I've been in a funk ever since. Hopefully writing this out will cleanse it.

Patty Griffin: Goodbye
Occured to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
well, I guess it takes while
For someone to really disappear
And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
the sky was bright, and wide, and blue
And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye
Today my heart is big and sore
it's tryin' to push right through my skin
I won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in
'Cause you can't make somebody see
With the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away
But I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye


Anonymous BigSis said...

Wow. So sorry.

April 09, 2015 8:37 PM  
Blogger birdwoman said...

Don't know why it's bothering me so much. But thanks.

April 10, 2015 8:35 AM  

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